


Excerpts From: Ed Westwick, the Greatest Actor in the World

by merryghoul



Category: Gossip Girl RPF
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-01
Updated: 2011-07-30
Packaged: 2017-10-15 02:21:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/156024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merryghoul/pseuds/merryghoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Satirical piece based on a Tumblr I'm currently reading.  For privacy purposes I will not reveal the name of the Tumblr.  It's all in good fun and I mean no harm to Ed.  Also, I really didn't have another place to store my quickfic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction

Edward Westwick was born 27 June 1987, Stevenage, Hertfordshire, England. I don't get where some of you "fans" get "Gregory" from, except for IMDB, and why you all rabidly check IMDB for incorrect information is beyond me. He is the youngest son of three.

You probably know his story by now: A former small-time English actor who went to England's National Youth Theatre gets small parts in English TV shows and movies. Very close to giving up his acting dreams for university, he flew to LA and found himself auditioning for what would be his big break, the role of the increasingly cartoonish villain Chuck Bass on Gossip Girl. Recently he's gotten a bigger break with a part in Clint Eastwood's J. Edgar, or as Ed refers to it, "Hoover." Eastwood has yet to make a statement apologizing for Ed's memory being worse than his.

What makes Ed Westwick the Greatest Living Actor in the World during our time? This ongoing work will seek the answers to this question. And no, the answer to that question isn't exactly vodka. But it helps.


	2. On Sitting Still

It takes a lot of willpower for Ed to sit still, especially while filming scenes for _Gossip Girl,_ but somehow he is able to do it. Interviews, however, are another matter entirely.


	3. On His Greatest Addiction

On a typical day Ed can be found on his Blackberry. When not chatting on the phone or texting someone, he can be found biting his nails, licking, or, if he is unable to do the first two things, smoking.


	4. Sex and Sleep

Ed prefers sex before sleeping. Meet up with him after he's just woken up and most likely he'll be grouchy.

It is not known whether self-gratification is involved in the "sex" equation, however.


	5. On Ed's Imagined Status in the Gay Community

Once Leighton and Ed took up an endorsement deal with Nikon cameras. The tabloids came up with a rumor about a certain CW star (Ed) eating too much junk food to the point he couldn't fit his costumes. Regardless of the rumors, in a matter of months Ed lost the weight, downgrading his bear status from "bear" to "otter."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shiny new title added 2/2/14. Formerly (mistakenly?) titled "Introduction."


	6. The Lick

In addition to attempting to look serious, leaning on things and trying to lick everything down to the core, himself included, Ed likes to play piano and guitar in his spare time.


	7. Lean Wit It, Rock Wit It

Ed likes to lean into a lot of things: women, couches, beds. He leans with it and rocks with it.


	8. Ed at Work

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The author will briefly assume the imagined viewpoint of Leighton Meester for this chapter.

These are the things Leighton has to put up with everytime she acts alongside Ed: him looking like a puppet at rest; his aforementioned chest hair, concealed in a robe to hide his 10 (Ed says he has eight, but I am sure I counted 10) tattoos on his arms and left breast; his ill-fitting suits, making him look like the book version of young Chuck Bass as a junior high-schooler; and those daffy eyes of his, most likely the product of strabismus. Then there's Ed's tendency to (figuratively) chew the scenery despite going, nay, bragging about going to the National Youth Theatre in London. Yet Leighton does not complain about Ed's shortcomings. She gets the job done and move on.


	9. No Vices

_I have no vices, darling, nothing, nothing. What's yours?_ \-- Ed to a reporter at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards

Ed promised the host of ITV2's _The Hot Desk_ he would stop biting his nails after biting them too close to the cuticle prior to the interview.

He still struggles to not bite his nails, as evidenced in a video shot during his second visit to BBC Radio One's Scott Mills. However, with Diddy-Dirty Money's "Coming Home" playing, it's hard not to give in to bad habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Resources: YouTube, ITV2, Scott Mills (BBC Radio One).


	10. On Cocking the Head

Ed likes to cock his head to the right.  Since he is left-handed, I am not sure why he does this.  There is a theory he may be, in reality, a puppet-turned human or a lion-turned-human, which may explain this odd behavior.


	11. On "Juliet Doesn't Live Here Anymore," Scene 1

Amazingly enough, either from experience or from trial and error in the moment, Ed was not smothered to death in the comforter.


	12. Change In the Seasons

With the weight loss, Ed also decided to upgrade his wardrobe off-set. Out went the button shirts and the Union Jack belt buckle. In came the J. Lindeberg V-necks and Simon Spurr suits. His hair also changed; he cut it shorter, which meant he could no longer have that weird curl in his hair he sported in season two of _Gossip Girl_ as well as his hit movie _S. Darko._


	13. Ed and Tommy (Hilfiger)

It's surprising to see Ed at New York Fashion Week but he's been to a couple of Tommy Hilfiger shows. He went to one with Penn Badgley and another with his now-ex girlfriend Jessica Szohr. During the Spring 2011 Hilfiger show Ed leaned forward in his seat to view it, much to the chagrin of Jessica, who was sitting to his right, and Olivia Palermo to his left. His rather large head could be seen throughout the whole show, broadcast on Facebook.


	14. On Smiling, or a Lack Thereof

**But you must have mastered that smoldering look...**

 _Nah, it kinda just comes! I don't like the whole cheesy-smile Hollywood thing, it's not me. On the red carpet, [the paparazzi] shout "Smile, Ed, smile!" and I'm like No, I'll do my own thing._

In lieu of smiling, Ed Westwick gives great duckface.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quote: Company Magazine, December 2010.


	15. On Cocking the Head, Part Two

Ed can easily convey emotion by a tilt of his head. If he looks down and scowls, he is sad. If he looks up and raises his eyebrows, he is amused. Leighton responds by actually acting to Ed's head-tilting.


	16. Simon Spurr (Fashion's Night Out)

Ed was invited by Simon Spurr and Saks Fifth Avenue to walk around a space in the store in front of several fangirls for Fashion's Night Out. He walked around in a purple and red suit, licking (as usual) and making faces. He also played darts.


	17. Ed and Alcohol

Drinking has been a huge part of Ed's life ever since he was a little boy. In Arena Homme Plus, Ed admitted he was "drinking in parks since the age of 13." His drinking has lead to some of the most amusing footnotes of his storied career. From yelling at Leighton and Sebastian Stan as they left a party at his apartment to an interview in Rolling Stone where he wanted Penn to "throw a rug over [him]. With a straw for the rain water!" to skiing and barhopping while drunk on the set of Chalet Girl, alcohol has been there. The only way Ed will ever part with alcohol is if he discovers abstinence. For alcohol, of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sources: Arena Homme Plus, A/W 2009/10; YouTube; Rolling Stone, April 2, 2009; MSN (Philippines), http://news.ph.msn.com/entertainment/article.aspx?cp-documentid=4630044


	18. On Lollapalooza 2010 and Ed's Brief Reunion with Jessica Szohr

In the summer of 2010 Ed reunited with Jessica during a weekend in Chicago for Lollapalooza. There was concert-going, bar-hopping and a shared suite in the Hard Rock Hotel. And alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol.

This reunion capped off the true legacy of Ed and Jessica's relationship: a love of alcohol that no other cast members from Gossip Girl could match.


	19. On Biting His Lip

Sometimes, when Ed is sad or disappointed in himself, he bites his lips and frowns. It's more emotional for him than when he is acting as someone--Chuck Bass or a random bad boy character in an English production or a straight-to-video movie--and he looks down because his character is sad.


	20. On Fingertip Caresses

No one is quite sure why Ed uses his fingertips to caress women rather than his hands. It may have to do with his nail biting. However, I am afraid complete outsiders may think he is trying to claw women to death.


	21. Unsolved Mysteries #1

Of the many mysteries reporters have tried not to solve regarding Ed's behavior (instead focusing on important things, like will he be their boyfriend?), no one knows why he likes kissing women on the tops of their heads. He obviously doesn't care about the germs that manifest in hair.


	22. On Ed's Daffy Eyes

Ed told Arena Homme Plus that he _had_ a squint in his right eye. He handwaved the squint, saying it wasn't there anymore.

I really think Ed's mistaken--that squint's still there. I mean, if Paris Hilton can't get rid of her squint....


End file.
